tellmethereason I n D e n i a l tellmethereason

2011-12-23T00:18:00.002+08:00

I've decided to move on without any further planning.
I know that's the right choice for me, but..
but but but.
Buts..

What exactly should i do now.

We all don't know anything about the future.
One day you might become someone successful and influential, while I'm still a nobody, struggling to survive in this damn reality.
And, nothing stays forever.

Nothing.

2011-11-22T00:23:00.002+08:00

Ages since i last posted something on this dear blog of mine.

Life is ever-changing.

Nothing stays forever.

Agree?

Let us all fly towards our own side of the clear blue sky without any hindrance.

没人绑着你走，才快乐。

我也是。

2011-09-23T10:31:00.001+08:00

Bad headache is killing me; torturing.
Why not just kill me?

2011-09-22T10:49:00.002+08:00

All alone.
讨厌那些在我生活瞎搅和的人。

2011-08-30T22:40:00.003+08:00

I've realised that recently, whenever I'm feeling depressed/unhappy, it's never about work or friends, or life. It's always about relationship.

1 word - tiring.

The escapist in me is acting up once again.

Can i run away?

2011-06-16T00:19:00.002+08:00

I kept having flashbacks recently, to those old days when I'm still a kid.

The day my dad brought me, and only me, to dine at Pizza Hut without my mum knowing, and I was damn happy.
The day my mum bought me a watch that cost over 50 bucks but I never really treasure.
The day I dislocated my elbow and cried non-stop, and my neighbor tried to comfort me by giving me sweets.
The day I fainted and woke up in my dad's arm when he rushed me to the hospital.
The day I was being bullied and wronged.
The day I got scolded for trying to help.
The days I started to distant myself..

Once upon a time, I felt loved, but I dint really cherish them. I thought it's the most natural feeling on earth.
Now when I looked back, I wonder what the hell had happened that caused these changes, and I hate myself for being stupid.
I must be very disappointing.

Only if we can rewind life, I'll make sure that it won't go this awful way. At least, I won't feel so alone.

2011-06-14T23:53:00.002+08:00

IF, I am going away and not gonna return anymore, what will you say to me?
Not gone as in gone dead but gone as in literally, gone.

I'm feeling very contradicted.

2011-06-13T00:20:00.002+08:00

I'm still awake, with a heavy mind.
There's too many things weighing it down.
Guess it's acting up again, the f. up depressing side.

Nobody stays with you forever and there's no such thing as friends forever.
Who the hell out there consider himself/herself to be a friend of mine?
At the end of the day, you're still alone, listening to your own troubles, trying to cajole yourself out of some stupid emotions.
It's a crowded world, congested mind, but a deserted atmosphere.

Retreat.

Defeated.

Gone.

2011-06-07T20:53:00.000+08:00

Dear all,

I've decided to do some good to my body.
I shall sleep and wake up early from today onwards.
Let's sleep at 11pm tonight.
=)

2011-06-06T20:28:00.002+08:00

Feel like shit with bad cramps + bad headache + flu.
Totally no appetite to eat anything.
How wasted.
=(

I think I'm addicted to traveling.
Suddenly feel like going to other country again.
Aww.
And i have a very strong urge to buy a camera.
Since it's GSS.. and IT fair's coming up.. and.. and and..
I just wanna buy!
How?

I hate to nurse my sick body.

2011-05-26T22:59:00.002+08:00

I feel that I'm damn smart.

Remember months ago, I wrote that I'm worried I might lose my blog cuz I din't verify my email address and I kind of forgotten all the details about this email of mine?
Today, I realised that hotmail has made the email available for new sign-up and I did the smartest thing that I've done (er.. today) by signing it up.

-

Anyway, life has been mundane.
There are days where I have tons to write, bu somehow, can't bring myself to write them.
I feel like, "hey, so what if I write them down. It won't change anything and what-so-ever. Nobody's interested, and it'll just be floating around in the cyber space, contributing to all those shit.."

I have to find a way to write interestingly.
oh oh oh.
Stop being lost, will you?

2011-05-15T19:12:00.002+08:00

Slept at 1+am last night and woke up at 5+am.
Had a bad dream and can't get to sleep after that.
So after a night of insufficient sleep, I still have to go to work.
Unlike somebody who can either sleep till he wakes up naturally or go enjoy himself and have fun with his friends.

Yea right.
With ONE simple msg, sometimes right before I end my work, and I have to dine with your friends. And they are those who I see once in a blue moon, sometimes even more rare than blue moon.
Even if I ain't in good mood, I din't put up a fucked up attitude.
I CONTROL my attitude and my mood.

But what about you?

And thanks so much for always putting it up on your facebook (first-hand latest news somemore) and make yourself sounds like you're filled with grievances and victimized, with me being the culprit.

Tired.

2011-05-14T21:03:00.001+08:00

Simply doesn't understand why this is happening.
What's wrong man.
Wanted to enjoy a nice dinner but ended up being so fucked up.

FREAKING angrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry.

2011-05-10T17:56:00.003+08:00

I passed my G5 Music Theory Exam with Distinction!
a score of 93/100.
=)

One down.
But I have no idea how the cert is going to reach me.
Hhaa.

I'll be off to Bangkok from 16th to 20th May, and when I'm back, it's time to collect my diploma cert.
It feels good, doesn't it? Collecting two certs at once.
One with a distinction and another with a gold award.
It all boils down to the determination and effort put in after I've fallen.. And I won't allow myself to fall or fail anymore, now that I've picked myself up.

Coming up next, degree in year 2012.
And maybe, practical exam for piano?

<3 life.

2011-05-01T10:40:00.001+08:00

One has to be far-sighted rather than just relying on short-term planning.

What do you want to achieve in 10 years time?
Do you have plans to help you achieve them?
Any plan B?

Only when you're look further, there's a chance you can succeed.

2011-04-16T21:18:00.002+08:00

Somehow, I really don't understand why some people can still have such a childish thinking when he/she has quite a handful of life experience and/or is of certain matured age.

-

开心点吧！

2011-04-15T00:09:00.000+08:00

我需要一个乐团。
一个属于我和我的团员们的乐团。

2011-04-12T20:57:00.001+08:00

有好多好多不敢追的梦。
曾经那么勇敢的我，怎么变得那么胆小。

2011-04-05T20:30:00.001+08:00

I have my life planned for the next one - two years.
=)

2011-04-05T00:06:00.002+08:00

The world is about money, money and money.

It's damn sad.
It sent tears to my eyes at that very moment.
Fucking sad.

The world is so god damn stupid.

Even if I'm a multi-millionaire, I'll give up all my wealth for happiness.

2011-03-29T23:36:00.003+08:00

Reading back, I realised that I used to be a happy person who wrote a hell lot of stuff for people to read. And when I say 'for people to read', it means that there's some sort of topic to the content; so unlike now.

Do you even know what I'm trying to convey through those pathetically short sentences in every recent entry?
Well i doubt so.
Because I din't elaborate.
Because I din't explain.
Because I want people to think it through their mind.

I used to love to write.
Used to.
And how i wish i can write like how i used to be.
Maybe I should read, write and speak more.
I'm keeping most of the things to myself and that sucks.
Don't you agree?

Aww i think i sound like a big baby.

-

I think I need to have my life organized.
And my health.
Like right now.
damn.

2011-03-23T22:14:00.001+08:00

I always have the urge to cry whenever I read my own blog.
And that song playing at the back ain't helping.
But but but,
I'm not changing.

2011-03-22T20:43:00.002+08:00

如果有一天, 你无法再唱歌, 无法再玩音乐, 你会怎么办?

2011-03-21T22:26:00.001+08:00

The I-think-I-need-more-friends feeling is back.

=(

2011-03-15T23:04:00.002+08:00

I have dreams that have yet to come true.
They are so huge, and seem so unattainable.

I used to wish to be older, like how teenagers wish that they're adults.
Like how they try to behave like one.
But i figure out that whatever an adult seem to have - house, car, life, freedom, etc, it doesn't come with age.
It comes with hardships and efforts.
Hardships and efforts that I do not have the confidence that I am able to put in and endure.
It doesn't feel good at all.

Life seem to be smooth sailing for you, but that does not mean that it is for everybody.
Yes, you're wonderful.
You're inspiring.
You're a role model.
But that's to other people.

You've not seen how harsh the world is.
You're being protected and sheltered.
You're like a flower blooming in a nursery.
You're full of positive thoughts.
But till you're out in the world, you have totally no idea.

Oh.
On a side note, I kinda envy you.

2011-03-09T22:47:00.001+08:00

Craving satisfied - cruncy & sweet korean strawberries!
$3 plus only from NTUC. Damn cheap.
Faster go grab them.

2011-03-07T21:48:00.001+08:00

Feels great to drum again.
Like oh my, back to those olden days.

2011-03-06T20:06:00.003+08:00

Dear blog,

Sorry for neglecting and not updating you since mid-February.
You should know why.
The theory exam was last Saturday. I'm pretty sure that I can pass, but if it's a mere pass, merit or distinction, I have no idea. Gonna be damn lucky of me if I manage to achieve distinction. The questions are tricky. That's all i can say.

In a few weeks time, I aim to start my piano lessons.
And oh, my driving lessons too.
Like finally, I know.
I'm also looking at part-time degrees.

Kinda ambitious yea?
But till then, I shall relax a lil and enjoy some good novels.

Same as usual.
You're going to support me through all right?
Thanks a lot.
=)

2011-02-16T22:43:00.002+08:00

bad headaches.
It's freaking bad.
Make me feel so tired and weak.
I can't even settle down to do some serious work.

Theory exam's coming, and I haven really start studying.

Life is hard.
Life is not a fairytale.
Those who think that life is all about goodwills, being nice and kind, and doing all the things right are just being unrealistic.

The world is real.
Get real, won't you?

2011-02-09T22:48:00.003+08:00

A tub of Ben & Jerry peanut butter ice cream with a candle on top from you-know-who, a slice of fruit cake from my ju zai, one birthday cake and a birthday card filled with wishes from workplace, an advance sushi treat from kevin, a karaoke treat from cousin and angpow from my dad.
Not forgetting the ~~50+~~ 60+ wishes on Facebook!
(Oh yea i hope i din't miss out any other people/presents.)
They're more than enough to make my birthday a nice and sweet one.

I promise that I will think positively.
I shall stop procrastinating and stop wasting time.

I shall be a happy girl from now on.
I love you guys so much.
haha.

2011-02-08T21:35:00.002+08:00

The trip to KL was somewhat fun and fulfilling.
haha.

We (actually, it's more of him) ate a hell lot of stuff, shopped a lot of places, bought quite a lot of stuff, took plenty of photos.
The claypot rice opposite Chinatown is a must-try when you're there.

It's a really nice and amazing experience to be in another country with different culture and different style of living.
And it's definitely fun to walk around with a map and explore the area.

Travelling is addictive.
I'm looking forward to my next trip.
=)

2011-01-27T00:36:00.002+08:00

夜深了。
你在干嘛？
穿梭在人群中？
还是一个人的在享受寂寞？

你会在这里，读我所写的一切，你应该和我一样吧。

2011-01-27T00:01:00.002+08:00

I feel so different from my past acquaintances.
I don't club, I don't party, I seldom do booze.
I don't feel young; I feel old.
I don't go to university, and if I do, I have to pay it from my own pocket.

I feel like I have lost connection with people of my age.
The youthfulness, the fun, the laughter.
And I can't seem to find a common topic with them anymore.

Yea I should put myself out there and meet more people.
But I just wanna meet people who I want to meet, which currently, there's not many.

It's such a weird feeling.
I'm feeling so pathetic and so much like a loser, but at the same time, I know I'm not.

I think i rather meet new people and make new friends now then picking up those who reminds me of my past.
Not that I detest them.
But somehow, my life broke down at that particular period of time and since then, everything feels as if they have been cut off/terminated/stopped.
Nobody, except for those really close friends of mine, knows what exactly happened. I kind of disappeared totally back then and it's a nightmare, trust me.

And well, even if I start meeting them once again, it feels weird picking up from a point which is vague. Or should we act as if nothing happens? That ain't any better.

I doubt they remember me anyway.
Shrugs.
So stop telling me that I should reconnect with where I've dropped it.
Stop telling me to push myself out there to meet people.
It isn't of great importance to me now.

2011-01-24T21:32:00.001+08:00

I opened a regular saving account today.
My intention -- forcing myself to save.
=)

2011-01-20T00:07:00.000+08:00

I think i need more friends.
ha ha ha.

2011-01-18T23:31:00.002+08:00

I have my 1st quarter of 2011 planned.
Now it's time for me to execute them.

It feels great to have my life planned out, all by myself.

2011-01-13T23:44:00.001+08:00

It's fun planning my own overseas trip.
Kinda enjoying it although it's giving me a big headache.
argh.

And seriously.
I should start studying for my theory.
SERIOUSLY.

2011-01-11T23:16:00.002+08:00

In the beginning of year 2011, I've ironed out and untangled thoughts that have been troubling me for years.
I'm glad that I've managed to do so.

Time to grow up, people. =)

Life has been quite hectic.
Oh not hectic.. er.. mundane?
Not exactly. Maybe, lazy?
It's a lil bit of everything.
Weather's so cold that I don't feel like moving at all. Yet I have alot to do.
So there's tons of stuff for me to do and yet, I'm not doing anything.
I need something to keep me motivated.

I think a getaway will do the job.
haha.

2011-01-01T21:26:00.002+08:00

It's new year day!
New year eve was spent with my sor zai and his friends and good food.
Counted down alone in my room.
Slept from around 1+ to around 12 today.

A new year, a new beginning.
Gonna work really hard to achieve what i want by the end of this year.
<3

2010-12-29T22:38:00.002+08:00

Two more days and it's a new year.
Looking back at what I've done this year, I can say that I am proud of myself.
A year ago, I'm a total wreckage and I gave up living.
But i picked myself up, completed my diploma, gotten a job, have aims and goals in life, and most importantly, know what I want in life.

Did you notice that?

I'm glad that you see me as someone who know what I'm doing and what I want.

2010-12-28T22:35:00.001+08:00

Music is still my love, i realised.
And I can't stop it no matter how hard i try. <3

Y2011 is coming. I'm setting my new year resolution.
Have you set yours?

2010-12-22T23:35:00.002+08:00

Life is fucking unfair, even in the same family. Great yayness.
My birthday trip has to be put on hold when someone else can happily go for his Christmas trip.
I have to work 6 days a week and have a tight spending in order to save some money while someone can spend like he's some rich ass.
I need to consider for v long before buying something that cost a lil more while someone's having branded stuff from head to toes.

And this son of a bitch fucktard still refuses to return me my money. Soon he'll know whats the consequences of it.

I'm not a nice person today.

2010-12-06T16:23:00.002+08:00

6 days of work + 1 day of emotional torment. This is exactly what I feel about my life now.
I can't even have a decent rest on my only off day.
Is it really that hard to stay happy just for that pathetic one day?
Every week, I looked forward to it, but it never turn out fine. Never ever.
I don't know. It seems like you never understand, and will never understand it.
How much effort I have to put in to get myself used to this working life when I'm really used to doing my own planning.

I'm sick of everything.

2010-11-17T23:08:00.000+08:00

Bad headaches are back. How I wish I can take a break from everything and have a good rest.

2010-11-08T11:01:00.001+08:00

When your health starts to get worse, when problems start to surface, when you starts to get worried about everything, you know that you're getting old.

2010-11-02T10:53:00.004+08:00

When daily concern gets irritating, what else can i do?

Things aren't like before, and I've told you before that it will happen.
At that point of time, you told me confidently that it won't.
But looking at now..
I gave up.

I've tried adding some significance to people in my life.
Leting them mean something to me; being important to me.
But i realise that it's a wrong move.

Guess being more protective is better than anything else.

So freaking tired.

2010-10-31T22:42:00.001+08:00

Tml's off day again.
And I've decided to pick up music once again.

2010-10-27T09:37:00.002+08:00

I'm always afraid of asking too much because I'm afraid of expecting too much and ended up being disappointed.
And right now, I don't know what exactly is asking for too much and what ain't.

=(

2010-10-26T23:48:00.003+08:00

An i asking for too much, stressing myself with stupid stuff or what?
I don't know why I'm feeling vexed and helpless.

All i want is a lively life, like a much healthier lifestyle.
Not one that you lie on your bed and watch tv once you had your dinner.. then fall asleep.
Or laze around here and there, not wanting to do anything except those that is necessary and waste your life away..

I can't help but feel sad about my life.
Like wtf.

2010-10-18T09:54:00.002+08:00

It's Monday again, which means that it's off day.

I've finally changed my old-and-torn-and-ugly Guess wallet to Braun Buffel's Macht L-389 in white and I'm loving it so damn much.
But my cards and all make it look so damn fat.

And now, I'm looking forward to change my Samsung phone (equipped with distortion in its speaker and scare the hell out of me when my oh-so-soothing alarm becomes some failed-until-like-shit rock song) to HTC Desire HD cuz HD2 is out of stock and HD7 seems a bit too risky to get.
Wanted to get Iphone 4 initially but gotta wait 2 - 3 weeks for it to arrive. So might as well wait 2 - 3 weeks to see how's the Desire HD is.

Time to change my life for the better.

2010-10-11T23:18:00.000+08:00

Incomplete.

But i dare not to pursue it.
Cuz I'm afraid of changes.
And afraid of the outcome unless I'm sure that it is.

2010-10-10T08:10:00.001+08:00

Feeling sick and tired of every single thing.
Sick and tired of my messy room.
Sick and tired of having to wake up feeling tired.
Sick and tired of not being appreciated.
Sick and tired of giving endlessly.
Sick and tired of not having enough to spend.
Sick and tired of this f. hot weather in Singapore.

Sick and tired of.. everything.

2010-10-08T10:31:00.001+08:00

I'm aiming at getting my own apartment before the age of 30.
With such, i have 9 years to work for it!

<3

2010-10-06T23:08:00.001+08:00

Actually, working in Simei ain't that bad.

Got Niwa Sushi.
Got LJS and BK and KFC.
Got 2 food court and a coffeeshop.
Got various eateries, snack stalls, etc.
Got 3 bubble tea shop.
Got Watson's.
Got Challenger.
Got Pet Safari.
Got supermarket.
Got Starbucks.
Got Popular.

lol.
Not bad la..

And my $19 Bata heels feels oh-so-comfy to wear now when initially i have the urge to throw it away after wearing it for 5 minutes.
lol.

2010-10-04T23:11:00.001+08:00

Today's off day but somehow, I'm having mixed feelings about it.
Like when you're working, you're looking forward to off day. But when you're actually having your off day, you have nothing to do that you feel like you're wasting your day away.
Somehow i wish that i have things to do on my off day, like meeting people for lunch or being able to spend the day with my boy. Nothing beats being able to spend time feeling all comfy, safe and secured.
But they're impossible when your off day is on Monday cuz everyone's busy.
Awww.
I can foresee what will happen when I get my salary and i have nothing to do on my off day.
lol.

Maybe I'm just being too greedy.
Like hoping for my rest day to come, and when it comes, I'm asking for more by hoping that i have something to do.
Why does it sound so contradicting?
Haa.
omg i think i'm going crazy.

GG.

2010-09-30T21:09:00.001+08:00

I can't scream TGIF tml, cuz I'm working on the weekends.

>.<

2010-09-29T20:38:00.002+08:00

My legs are sore after wearing heels for the whole day.
Like badly bandaged. lol.

2010-09-29T07:44:00.002+08:00

I'm so worn out.
Being able to do thing at own will, at own time, at own decision has kinda made me unable to go according to fixed schedules and fixed timing.

At least i have my bear bear and ben ben to turn to.
And i hug my comforting bear to sleep.

Like suddenly, it feels so good to wake up and find yourself hugging a smiling and comforting bear.

2010-09-24T09:28:00.003+08:00

Starting work on next Tues and from now till then, I have nothing to look forward to.
Lovely weekend? nah.
Some interesting happenings in the day/night? nah.
A lovely meal? nah.
Whatever whatever whatever? nah nah nah.
Never felt so bored and meaningless recently.

Days just gonna pass as per normal (maybe worse than normal) and then it's time to start work with my weekends burnt.
How nice.
Somehow i wish that I can start work today.
Better than to waste time.

haaaaa ha.

2010-09-17T12:29:00.002+08:00

Today's Friday, and I have 1 week left to enjoy and do whatever i want before the starting of work.

Hope things will go on well for now on, and all that i have left to be done will be getting my 1k back from someone who has no money to pay me but have the money to travel. Using iphone somemore when I am still using the old Samsung that I can't afford to change.

The Yellow Ribbon project is back.
Well, i believe it is a good move; to give ex-convicts a chance.
But, some people just don't deserve it and take it for granted.
The ugly people.

2010-09-08T22:59:00.003+08:00

Where exactly are you heading in life?
Or should i ask, where exactly am i heading in life?

Sometimes i just have this dumb feeling - why bother to do so many stuff when in the end, you may not even get what you want.
Some may say that if you never try, you'll never know. But my point is, so what if you've tried and you know what you will be getting? At the end of the day, you'll still be losing it in a way or another.
So what if you've achieved a hell lot in life? At the end of the day, you still die.

No one's going to live forever.

Sometimes when i look at that particular someone, i wonder.
What exactly is he going after.
Getting people to believe that he has achieved a lot, been through a lot, experienced a hell lot when in fact, they're all bullshit and are just a heap of lies?
Is that a so-called self-proclaimed self-actualization or something more like trying to console himself in his own way?
Doesn't he even realise that people around him are looking at him the way they are looking at clowns? Amusement.
What for?

Well, when i look at another person, i wonder again.
His life seems to be always that great, that interesting, that happening, etc.
But is he really happy?
He has all the best buddies in the world.
But you won't know. Maybe deep down inside him, he's feeling lonely.
Well of cuz, i hope not.
But you get what i'm trying to say here?

Contradiction - life is full of it.

I have no idea why i am writing this, especially after a phone call that I'm looking forward to, but ended up in a not really pleasant way.
Okay. 'Not really pleasant' ain't the right words to use.
Just not as how i expect it to be.
You know the feeling of looking forward to something, then somehow, it ended up making you feel the opposite.
From 'oh i misses you so' to 'oh we have nothing to talk about' kinda stuff.
I know i can't expect every minute and every second to be filled with words. I know there ought to be pauses somewhere here and there.
But somehow, strangely, weirdly, those pauses make me feels like a stranger.
And that feeling makes me feel so empty.

Maybe, I'm just being emo.

Have you ever had the feeling of being stucked in the past, present and future?
It sucks.

你快乐吗？

2010-09-05T19:55:00.000+08:00

Has been busy working.
In case you're wondering what I'm up to recently, it's bazaar-ing.
It's tiring, but fun.

Things are picking up and i hope that I can see real income coming in soon.

I'm so tired.
Like damn tired.

Back to the time when my baby needs to go back camp on Sunday and only comes back on Friday.
What to do.
That's how things are when you date a ns boy.
Haa.

2010-08-16T01:07:00.001+08:00

"If you ever need anything. Anything. You can give me a call. I'll try to help. If I can. :)"

Like what I've told you, I have no idea what i can say besides thanks.

2010-08-16T00:26:00.002+08:00

I'm just one sadist emo freak, leading a friend-less (ok, maybe with only 1 or 2) and sad life.
But who cares.
Nobody.
Ya.

With such, my main aim now is to earn as much as i could and get out of this fucked up life.
Get an apartment of my own.
Travel around the world.

That's so much better than everything elses.

Haa!

Seriously, I feel damn sad about my life and I gonna do something about it.

I miss music so god damn much.
But so what.
I'm such a failure that I feel ashamed about it myself.
I wanna get in touch with it again.
But I can't bring myself to.

Come on.
I can never enjoy music ever again.
And that makes me a sadist.
Back to square one.
Yes, I'm not ok.
Never am, when it comes to this.

2010-08-14T10:32:00.001+08:00

Din't blog for super long, i know.

Getting more and more dependent on you.
Shall put a stop to it.

2010-08-09T23:22:00.001+08:00

Been going bazaars recently and it's damn tiring.
But I'm not going to stop and take the easy way out.

In need of $$.
What to do.
Some social rubbish just refuses to pay up.

Fucked up.

2010-07-31T19:06:00.006+08:00

Went to watch the YOG combined rehearsal on Friday, and all i could say is that i don't feel respected as an audience.
Yes, the ushers were really friendly and nice, and that's the only thing that was worth complimenting.

1. The videos and all to be shown on the big screen were not even ready yet. The show ain't completed or even ready. Like maybe, only 70%? I know that it's only a rehearsal, that we can't expect it to be perfect. But look at the NDP rehearsal. They're soooooooooooo completed (maybe not but at least they are ready to show the audience what they have) and feel like the real NDP. Look at the YOG CR. It's poles apart.
2. Some of the musicians / participants aint there at all. Like hello? You let the audiences in to see empty chairs on stage, and let them scratch their heads thinking what's all those chairs are for? Totally, seriously, extremely unrespectful can.
3. The message that was broadcasted to us to 'Please have the integrity to not leak any videos or photos taking at today's CR', made it sounded as if we, the audience, do not have any integrity at all. Do you remember how your Discipline Master remind you of your behaviour? That's how it made me feel. Can't you phrase it in a nicer way?

I heard that yesterday's CR is about crowd control.
But come on. If you decide to let public in to watch the rehearsal, at least have the mind to make it as close to the real one as possible and be mindful of what you're presenting to us, showing the basic respect to the audience; not some half-completed show.
If the show isn't ready yet, why not just use your own participants to act as crowd instead?

I believe that there's ample time for preparation.. Like when was it that we know Singapore's going to host the first YOG??

Many of us were really disappointed by the show, and many people went home when the show was half-way through, shaking their heads saying how disappointed they were.

Maybe the real thing is going to be awesome.
But the impression given to us, the public, is really bad.
I believe, many of us are worried about what we are presenting to the world.

NDP is a local celebration and it's wow.
YOG is a world event but.. =.=''

Seriously, i don't understand why.

PS:
I do have the integrity to not leak any videos and photos.
Everything here is just comments and thoughts.
Please have the integrity to respect human rights by not restricting my freedom of speech.

lol.

2010-07-29T22:49:00.002+08:00

Birds of a feather flock together.
You refuses to return me my money that you've borrowed to pay your fines, buy your phone, etc.
Your friend was being reported to the police for running away with money of business owners by organizing bogus events.

How true can that quote be?

2010-07-22T00:28:00.003+08:00

You know what.
I have this tendency to linger in the past because it felt so damn comforting and good, and because it's something that I wanna cherish so much but i din't really do so back then; my regrets.
It got me confused.
Do i really really feel so strong about it, the passion and love, or am i just trying to salvage whatever i can?

I bet i'll never ever find out what the answer is, simply because it is impossible for me to get in touch with it anymore.
Not the thing itself, but the feeling.
I can never ever reconnect it, picking up from where I've dropped.

It's not only about music.
It's about every single thing.

Life still goes on.

-

Be strong, my friend.
Everything will be fine.

2010-07-20T23:39:00.001+08:00

I
miss
the
stage,
so
much.

2010-07-17T21:48:00.001+08:00

I'm feeling better now.
<3

Time flies, baby.
Don't you think so?

2010-07-14T01:19:00.002+08:00

The feeling is back.
The feeling that haunted me after I've decided to end everything once and for all is back.
Do you know how it feels?
Like after many many many turns, you're back at where you begin.

兜了那么多圈，还是回到了原点。

It makes me wonder.
Why bother to make sooooo many turns?
I don't know.
I'm feeling so lonely once again.
There's only me, and my bear bear (which if you remember the period when i bought it. It is exactly the same damn feeling. As if I'm cursed with it.), and ya, ben ben.

Only if you've known me way earlier.
And know exactly what I've been through.
Then maybe, you won't think that Im too harsh on myself.
Well, maybe you'll still think so.
Maybe, indeed i am being harsh on myself, putting on the stress upon myself and all, i kind of admit it, but i don't know.. Maybe you'll understand me better.
I'm not that strong afterall.
Not as strong as who you think i am.

You're right in saying that I've changed you to be who you are now, and that I ain't useless.
But my point is, how useful can i be, and how great can i be, when I can't even feel some comfort or good in my own life?
I'm not saying that you're wrong. Neither am i saying that I am right.
Just.. how i feel.

I know I'm being emo, moody, and depressed, thinking way too much in your opinion.
I just want to express my feelings, to someone who will listen, and gives me a comforting assurance that everything will be fine.
But there's this strong voice in my head, telling me not to say too much.
Cuz I don't want you to feel miserable because you can't really do anything about it.
Cuz I don't want you to think that I'm just another depressing emo freak.
Cuz I don't want to scare you off, thinking that it's too much for you to handle.
There's this fear in me, that you'll choose to escape again.

There's this part of me that still hope that I can be strong and handle it myself without bothering anyone with anything.

I ain't useless. 'Useless' is not the word to use.
But I can't find an exact one.

Well well.
I'm a coward i guess.
I'm afraid to step out.
I'm afraid to expose myself to the risk of falling again.
And yes, I have a feeling that I am slowing retreating to what i used to be.
Will you, hold on to me and make sure that I won't return to the state when you just knew me?

Pull me.
Out.

With force.
With love.

I can't afford to lose anything, anymore.

2010-07-13T22:03:00.002+08:00

I hate to be always the one giving in.

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY.

Why it's always me that have to give in?
Like WHY!??!!

I'm not going to give in to anyone anymore!
If you're at wrong, you are wrong.
Don't expect me to give me!

And people who i once called friends,
don't always expect people to contact you and ask you out.
If you're not going to put in the effort to contact anyone,
neither will i be the one giving in and contact you!

I'm not being childish or petty over this issue.
Just sick of giving in.

2010-07-13T00:06:00.002+08:00

Finally, end of examinations also marked the end of my diploma studies.
Time for me to face the reality, which i really loathe to do so.

Wanted to 'celebrate' this meaningful day with my boy initially, but he's not free.
So i spent the day alone, treated myself to window shopping and HappyVeg.
Like damn delicious, although it's freaking sinful.
Wanted to get mixed fruit cake too.
But I don't feeling like spending the money.
What to do. When you're freaking poor, every single cent counts.

Gonna take a few days to pack my room and sort things out.
Im feeling excited about the future, but a part of me is afraid at the same time.
Shall take a step at a time i guess.
After I've sorted myself out, Im going to work super hard to achieve my goals.
Don't wanna waste my time anymore as I've wasted 3 years of my life achieving a broken dream and ended up with a devastating life. Like fuck. Everything just goes wrong. Not forgetting wasting it on an ass who do not worth the time and effort. Guess I'm really blind and stupid and retard back then.
That's like, an understatement.

Whatever it is, I'm still going to get my money back.

Time to have a good rest, and chase my headache away.
Good night people.
Nice day.

2010-07-10T22:35:00.002+08:00

How am i suppose to rely on you, when you choose to escape whenever you feel helpless?
Especially when it's related to me?

And you dint realise, that whatever you insist, will only add on to my stress if i force myself to do it just to make you feel better.

2010-07-10T22:02:00.004+08:00

Maybe I'm too greedy to want to spend more time with you.
And too inconsiderate to show you the pain and discomfort I'm feeling.
Should leave you out of it and suffer alone instead of making you feel helpless because you can't do anything.

Whatever.
I'm just, feeling so alone.
Like at the end of the day, it's still me besides me.
Me and myself.
And nobody else.

Yea. I should learn to cope with things myself.

2010-07-10T10:46:00.003+08:00

Have updated my wishlist.
I wanna buy a decent Sun Tze Art of War book.
Those hard cover kind that i can keep.
And I promise that I gonna read it!

Monday's last day of exam, and it is causing me to have mixed feelings.
Happy, glad, excited, scared, uncertain, etc etc etc.
I'm happy and glad cuz i will be completing my diploma studies at MIS after that final paper.
Excited because of the future, and what's ahead for me.
Scared because of the future too.

I don't wanna face anything that requires me to bring up my depressing past.
I don't wanna explain to people why i quit poly, at stupid year 3.
I don't want people to ask me why, and i don't want them to look at me as if I'm a failure cuz to many, it's plain stupidity to quit at the last year.
People may not say it, but they show it.
The way they look at you with sympathy, being worried about your future, thinking that you can't survive on your own with your own decision-making.
I know i gotta be strong and face it. But things are always easier said than done.

Boy, i know you will be there for me. But I'm seriously trembling at the thought of it.
Can you imagine how afraid i am?
It may seem to be nothing that impactful to you. Well, there's many others who quit in year 3 too. Why can they cope and i can't?
The thing is, it's not just about quitting.
It's every single thing that happened at that period of time.
My world simply crumbled down.
Failures, unreasonable-demanding-selfish-abusive r/s, 'nice-supporting' family, etc.
They all added up to something huge that almost killed me.
It's so bad that i went into hiding.
I even thought of running away, if i can.

I know i have the tendency to escape.
Cuz facing it upfront will only cause serious damages.
Don't you agree?

2010-07-09T18:58:00.001+08:00

One more paper to go and I'm feeling damn fucking stressed.
=(

I wanna eat super nice fruit cake.
oh my oh my.
I wanna eat sushi!!!
oh my oh my.

I want a nice holiday.
oh my oh my...

2010-07-06T00:52:00.003+08:00

One paper down, two more to go.

Guess Im really bad at taking stress.
Seriously bad headache today and i almost fainted twice while taking the train to school.
Ended up wasting money on cab.

I can feel my health deteriorating day by day.

Sigh.

2010-06-27T13:40:00.001+08:00

Fucking sian.
Woke up today feeling a lil off already.
And the only thing that keeps me a lil cheered up is looking forward to a lovely Sunday with you.
Whatever.
I think i rather lock myself in my room than to do any fucking thing.

And my damn stomach is aching like fuck.
Why not just let me die of it?
I don't fucking care.

If there's only silence, i rather not see you at all.
Whatever whatever whatever.

2010-06-23T00:49:00.003+08:00

My nose no longer hurt after going to the doc for antibiotics.
But my head hurt still.
=(

Exams are coming.
OMG.
Stress level x 2.

Now I'm craving for delicious slice of fruit cake.
haha.

2010-06-20T01:52:00.002+08:00

Yummy dessert. Damn freaking yummy that I'm craving for more!

Anyway, today a really full-of-food day.
That's what happens when the both of us love good food.

We had Niwa Sushi for a late lunch, then took a bus down to Golden Mile for steamboat.

Like sooooooooooooooo delicious steamboat.
Nice soup.
Tender beef (because i cooked them. haha).
Delicious chicken rice's rice.
Other stuff like squid, prawns, fish, etc.
It has been so long since i last went there, and finally, I went there today!

Walked to Bugis, then to Plaza Singapura, and then Cineleisure, finally Scape.

Had that yummy dessert at Plaza Singapura's Basement 2.
The one with a branch at Bugis, near OG.
But i think that the desserts at PS branch taste way nicer than the one at Bugis.

Walked to Cineleisure after dessert in search of something.
And we found it. <3

Walked to Scape, which is like besides Cine only.
It just happen that today's their launch and there's live performances going on, and I'm so attracted to them.
Anyway, there's this bar or something where you can drink and play table tennis.
The concept is new and great, but i find it kinda lame.
Like who the hell will wanna play table tennis over a pint of beer?
Definitely not me.
So so funny.

Well, on the whole, today's a tiring day.
Walked damn hell lot that my legs could have been broken. But I am enjoying every moment cuz it's plain lovely.
And it kinda acted as a good breakaway from the taxing work that I am doing right now.

Thanks, for being there.

2010-06-17T01:33:00.001+08:00

My nose is hurting like shit.
=(

So freaking stressed up.

2010-06-12T19:04:00.001+08:00

I felt so sick yesterday night, or should i say, today morning at 3am,
that i puked twice, cried like shit cuz i feel so lonely, and camped in the toilet for quite some time just in case i puke again.

Nice Friday night.

2010-06-11T23:57:00.002+08:00

I'm so tired.
Seriously.
Pushing my limit.
Super low threshold after pulling through the breakdown.
And now, I'm pushing hard.

I've ran away from so many things ever since that.
Or maybe i should say, that i resort to running away from stuff ever since that period of down.
Soon enough, I'll have to face them all straight in my face.
And I am not ready for it.

Strong urge to run away again.
But i know i shouldn't.
Shouldn't shouldn't shouldn't.
But i am tempted.

ah fuck.

And that feeling is back.
What the hell should i do.

f. f. f.

2010-06-08T16:01:00.002+08:00

Why are you back?
I don't love you. I don't love you at all.
So why are you back?
Why do you have to return every now and then to haunt me?
My life is problematic enough without you.
Why must you add on to it?

Stupid headache. I hate you.

hah.

2010-06-06T23:00:00.002+08:00

Freaking busy with assignments and work.
As in, not really work kind of work but still, it's work.
You get me, don't you?

Haha.
Damn freaking short post.
Till i complete my assignments!!

And and, smelly tofu smells like shit, literally.

2010-06-02T00:12:00.002+08:00

Seriously don't understand the crave over that SNSD thingy.
They're not even hot or attractive, just look like your average clubbing girl who tried a lil harder in the act-chio department.
Guys nowadays. Tsk~
Can't they go for quality? Eg, talent? tsk tsk tsk.

And the CHC issue. wow.
I'm so looking forward to see what's up next.
It's like, things just deviate from goodwill when large sum of money is involved.
Greed.
Jealousy..

And and, the news of the girl who hanged herself outside her boyfriend's or ex's place.
She's only like 18?
I read the news article and god, her dad must be damn damn damn damn devastated.
Feel so sad for him.
Kids nowadays.

Someone tell me, what has the world become?

2010-05-23T19:47:00.002+08:00

At last, i got to taste the Beer Battered Fish and Chips that's heavily raved about by many on Sat.
The one at Toa Payoh!

They have this malt vinegar that really bring out the taste of the battered fish, like totally.
5-stars hotel standards with coffee shop prices.
Their cream of mushroom ain't those with smooth texture. They blended the mushroom into tiny bits. Not something i really fancy though it tasted nice.
I'm sure that i will go there again.
Aw i can smell the fragant vinegar even by thinking about it.
But but but, note to self: never order their teh peng again.

Lunched at this Thai eating house at Bedok today.

Stir Fried Kang Kong, the Thai style.

Green Curry Beef and Pineapple Fried Rice.

Not really sure whether they tasted authentic. My memory of Thai cuisine is Thai Express. Can't blame me ah.
The green curry's a lil salty, but i guess it is meant to go together with plain rice.
Anyway, the Stir Fried Kang Kong was nice. The amount of garlic they used is.. freaking lot. That explains the strong but (!) not overwhelming garlic taste.

Enjoyed great food this weekend with <3.
Can't wait for Wed to come.

2010-05-18T12:49:00.001+08:00

HAHA WHAT'S WITH THAT FACE?!!!
lol.

and oh,
ihaslakasbf!
=P

2010-05-17T16:34:00.003+08:00

It feels so good, to have someone to hold your hand and lead you through the dark.
It's the sweetness that overflows.

-

Hectic days; weeks.
I'm so occupied with assignments and they seem to be dawning on me like a big fat monster.
Last semester for my diploma, so i should endure through it.
And soon, i can fuck care studies.

Overseas trip!
I want i want.
But when?

Oh only if you're here.

2010-05-09T02:13:00.002+08:00

I realise that i do cry easily.
I cry, when i get seriously pissed off, like big time.
I cry too, when i feel seriously guilty or bad for doing or causing something.
But the thing is, i don't really get pissed off big time often, and i seldom feel seriously guilty or think that I've done something really wrong or bad.

So at the end of the day, i do cry easily.
But i seldom cry.

2010-05-07T16:01:00.002+08:00

Time flies, doesn't it?
Now it's already May and what have i achieved?
What have you achieved then?
Soon enough it'll be the end of the year, and we will all be welcoming year 2011.

What have you done today?

Maybe i should consider locking this up.
oh well oh well.

2010-05-06T23:52:00.002+08:00

It has been long since i last cried on bed.
Well well, i just hope that this time round he won't be that bastard.
Or maybe, i'm just being dumb to take his story.
Whatever.

Tired like shit.
Assignments + my own stuff + assignments + damn fucked up weather = irritated!

Now my only hope is that whatever I am doing now does show result.

2010-05-06T02:40:00.004+08:00

I'm having this fucked up mixed feelings, and i have totally no idea how to say it or where should i start.

Lets start with today.
Went to send Kevin off just now, and after knowing him for like.. 6 - 7 years, it's the first time i saw his family members. And almost everyone who is flying off is with their families. It makes me wonder again. Say if i'm the one flying off, i think i rather go alone.
Well, i have been meeting Kevin for these few days, and whenever i saw him, i'll ask whether he got contact him or ask him out. The answer is always no. And when i asked that person whether he got ask Kevin out, his answer was that he's really occupied. Only till just now that Kevin told me that he has sent him a text. The thing is, is he really that busy to even meet up? If that's so, why do i see him writing stuff that shows that he has nothing to do, feeling sian, and etc on his fb?
Isn't that (*#&#*^&$%~?!
I don't know what i should say. But friends don't stay with you forever. That's for sure. Friendship's like a business. It doesn't work for itself, you have to work to build it, and work harder to maintain it. Being egoistic is a destructive act. If it continues, all i can say is don't regret at the end of it, for i know that he's all ready to forsake. I am too, upon realising that friends are something that i can survive without.

Next matter that i gonna say out loud.
Matthias Ang Bock Chuan, when the hell are you going to return me my S$1000? You're such a wimp. Can go thai disco, can play around, or should i say, sleep and fuck around with thai girls and you can't fucking return me my money. Should i tell them that you fake your depression just to get your stay-out and going in late status? or should i tell them that you are working in the evening and is able to earn around 1k every month? Plus your NS pay, it'll be at least 1.4k? AND YOU CAN'T FUCKING RETURN ME MY 1k, after soooo many months. All you know is to ignore my texts, and what else? Freaking nothing.
Oh not nothing. You can do lotsa stuff.
Like faking a history of having a driving license when actually you don't.
Or cook up stories to gain sympathy from others, and actually convince yourself to believe that those are actually real. wow. Amazed. Fucking amazed.
If you're someone nicer, i may consider forgeting about the 1k.
But you're not, and you never will.

Lastly, relationship stuff.
It feels good to have someone holding you when walking down the street.
It feels good to have someone hugging you when you feel down.
It feels good to have someone giving you warmth when you're cold.
It feels good to have someone who you can rely on.
But but but.
I'm still scared.
Very very scared.
I want a secured future, not one that's full of uncertainty.
I want someone with plans for his future.
I want someone, who can give me security, warmth, hope, happiness, and love.

Only if.. only if..
The world is fucking ugly.

2010-05-05T01:35:00.002+08:00

I am sure that I gonna make things ugly FOR YOU, if you ignore me and still refuse to return me my 1k.
I have my ways and you won't wanna know what they are.
And I am pretty sure that you will regret if you've seen them.
GET ME?

Yes, I am fucking desperate for money.
And you will never be able to imagine what people who are desperate can do.

2010-05-02T11:25:00.002+08:00

Slept at around 7am after the drinking session and i woke up at 10am automatically.
Power i tell you.
Met Janson and we went to town for window shopping.

Walked and walked and walked.
Stopped for snacks at Cathay.
Din't know that there's sooo many stuff to eat at the basement.
To think of it, it's my first time there, at the basement i mean.
He's such a poor thing. Can't eat his fav food.
Haha.

And so we continue walking, all the way to Esplanade.
Music never fail to do miracle.
First time in don't know when that I feel so cheered up.
Aw. Love-hate relationship with Music.
Hai.

We slacked at there from like 5+ pm all the way till 9pm or something.
Can't remember exactly how long.
Then we took bus 10 to Simpang Bedok for dinner.

All along, i'm feeling all bloated and uncomfortable.
Damn bad.
Like super bad.

Reached home at around 12midnight?
And yea. I'm starting to think that I'm crazy.
Maybe I'm just too tired.

One thing for sure.
I'm falling sick again.
>.<
Flu now.
Nice one ah.

2010-05-01T10:42:00.002+08:00

Was out drinking last night with Kevin and his friends again.
Someone's flying off soon. How i wish i can go too.

Sat by the riverside after drinking and everyone started getting emo.
Aww i damn miss the feeling of being on stage.
Damn damn damn miss it.
>.<

2010-04-30T10:40:00.001+08:00

It's another Friday.
Today gonna be a 'long' day, cuz i'll be out after school.

Damn tired recently.
Walked too much.
All because of someone. lol.

2010-04-27T01:14:00.000+08:00

oh nice one.
I can feel my self-protection mode being switched on again.

How?